Just friends???

I was just in church for Worship Night and in d course of worship I saw something that took my breathe away... d most glorious face I've ever seen in my life... and he was worshipping God! I was supposed to be worshipping too but on seeing dat face I couldnt continue anymore [@ least not in d same frequency] cos I kept drifting off to steal a glance @ dat glorious face [LORD forgive me!]. Lemme try to describe wat I saw... he had this hard look, u know d look of a HARD, TOUGH guy but it was so full of passion for GOD! I think it was the passion on that hard face that got to me... haven't seen anything like it before. I can't tell what made me look cos during worship m normally just carried away, really can't tell but it wasn't the first time I was seeing a guy worshipping, @ least I watch worship DVDs but I've never seen such a glorious face worshipping...
I don't remember ever seeing d guy in church before that night and being me I decided I'll make friends with this guy. [I mentioned in one of my earlier posts that I made a decision never to pass up a chance to make friends]. But u can't believe it, it took me over 10 months to summon up courage to walk up and make friends with him. why???

I'll tell u...

Walking up to a guy to make friends with him hadnt been an issue to me for a long time till I realised it might appear like I was being forward [ordinarily I won't mind. I just do what I want to do and whoever can think watever about it!] but then I suddenly found myself conscious of how this guy will see my coming up to make friends. I thot of lines to use. The most appropriate line being "did anyone ever tell u dat u looked glorious when u worship?" I really wanted to use that line but boy! did I find it difficult to say!! A million times I'll pass by him in church, coming in or going out or just by chance but I simply could not bring myself to say anything. Then I just didnt see him in church anymore... and I felt b-a-d! I'd missed d chance of making friends just becos I lacked d courage... Synthia this is unlike u. This isnt the Synthia I know. I couldn't help beating myself up for this tho I just can't really tell why that friendship was so important to me... U know I really had to ask myself

* what exactly do u want from this guy?

to this I answered "I just want to be friends with him. Just friends. nothing else. cos m not looking for a man. my man is looking for me. I just want to be friends with him. dats all!" and I meant it. I often said to myself "dis guy could be married [even tho I don't see a woman by his side but who knows?], he could be engaged, he could be dating, or anything so Synthia just focus on being friends. for real, I just want to be friends"

Then sometime in March I saw him in church... I was so excited and before I could stop myself I went to him and was like "hey! where have u been? did u travel or something?!" [as if we were old friends from way back]. u needed to see the look of confusion on his glorious face - it was there for just a split second but I didnt miss it. I couldn't. M always captivated by that face! Well, he said "yes" and I moved on. Still couldnt say it. after that Sunday I saw him just one other Sunday and he disappeared again. And I said "Lord, if he appears once again amma gonna say something no matter how stupid its gonna sound I'll say it" mind u, I didnt even know d guy's name even up to this point! So I investigated, I asked questions until I got his name [while he was still away] and armed with his name now, I waited, just in case he decided to re-appear.

And he did! So I went up to him and was like "hey welcome back [I added his name this time]!" he looked surprised again but recognised d face so I stood and we jisted a bit. no not a bit, I'll give it to him, he's a good talker. we talked for quite sometime but I refused to volunteer any info like my name and phone number and how I knew his name... won't give out dat info if he didnt ask so I kept them to myself and we jisted general church and office jist till I had to run back into church for 2nd Service. Next Sunday Pastor GH said May babies shld stand and my new friend stood. isn't dat cool... so after service I traced him outside and was like "so wat's d date?" he looked blank and I said "ur birthday! wat date is it?" I also went "didn't u notice I've been stalking u?" he said he hadn't noticed but I knew he was just trying to be modest or something. well he gave me d date and it happened to be just 5 days away. I asked for his number so I cud call and wish him a happy birthday that day and he then asked for mine. and got it. and we became friends.

Remember, all I wanted to do was become friends with him. One day he visited my office and we got talking... I found out he was married, with kids [and some kanna complications in it] but I didnt get disappointed becos I had already conditioned my mind to any of this being the case... I also told him about my kids and d divorce and just d overall info. So I was cool with the friendship. Another day we were just hanging out and we kanna got into our personal stuff, I got to know more about his life, past, present and all that... He got to know my personal stuff too and @ last I got to tell him why I was stalking him [as a matter of fact, the reason for all these came before we got into our personal stuffs] he sort of got tripped by my comment about his glorious face. no he got tripped real good, I could see it written all over him... then d personal jists came... cool still. I don't know but somehow it sounded like he wanted to start a new life here in Nigeria. But then I told Synthia to quit imagining any other thing and focus... Just friends... dis guy is married... so no matter what's happening to his personal life now, don't try to fix urself inside it... even if u try, he's not likely to think of u in any other way but as his friend. so lose it girl.

So whats the issue now?

The issue is that inspite of all the psyching of myself that all I wanted was friendship, we kept getting closer. I thot that maybe if I told him some of my very personal stuff like ask questions about my relationships, jist him about some of my escapades and ask his advice it would help keep my mind on 'strictly friendship'... but did it? wish I could say it did...

Synthia is getting attracted to this guy!!! I can't let that happen... I can't afford to! I didn't want this to happen. I should have seen this coming... but could I really have??? isn't it possible for a guy and a girl to be just friends??? dat was all I set out to be! don't even start asking me if d guy is attracted to me too... cos I don't want to answer that... I couldnt have come this far if there wasnt some encouragement from there... I mean, wen we talk on fone it's like we can't stop. wen we're face to face [which wasn't often tho] we never lack for what to talk about... and he's so easy to talk to...

Well... I'm obviously going where I don't think I should go so... I need to retrace my steps. It's going to be very difficult cos I can't seem to stop thinking about him. But I have to stop, one way or another. but then how??? I really thot I could separate my heart from this friendship but as it stands now I didn't think aright. I need help. I need to stop this attraction from building. but can I? really? Should I stop calling him? I can do that, it will be difficult @ first but I can do it. But then if I stop calling him am I gonna stop him from calling me? maybe I shldnt sound very friendly anymore wen he calls... but when he asks why I stopped calling or why m sounding cold wat will be my explanation? that m attracted to him??? oh Synthia, way to go! u try u hear? u blew this one! u could ave just left it at the level of 'just friends', did u have to let ur heart get involved??? humph!