REF: The Way Forward???

I was just reading tru my earlier blogs and discovered that i'd received an answer to the blog as per subject above but havent gotten back to my blogsite with the good news...

the very person that was stifling and frustrating me met frustration when he was frustrated out of d seat he sat on like he was the lord of d universe!

now i've entered rest @ work. m working with someone who believes in me, who lets me be me and has a heart. no more tension @ work. everyone is at peace and u need to see potentials and skills manifesting.

as if that wasnt enuf... last week, the managers all went away for a conference and i was acting in d very position d guy who was frustrating me was before he was routed out... see life? see how the Lord works??? and trust me, i did a good job! [the Lord being on my side!!]

i'm basking in His Glory! He's in charge and I've cast ALL MY CARES upon Him and m rejoicing all the way cos He cares for me. He really cares!!!

I'll keep on trusting Him instead of worrying about stuff!!

Answers...

The answer was number 1...

I didn't get disappointed... ok, maybe just a tiny bit but I expected such a response and it came just as I expected it. He even asked me wat my expectation was and I said I expected one of these three answers and I gave them to him. He asked if I was sad and I said nope, he didnt dig but for real I wasnt. U know I'll say if I was, I hate to lie to myself. I wasnt sad becos I originally set out to be his friend and then my heart tried to get in d way, now things are straightened out and we're still friends, in fact, d friendship is much more clearly defined now. I believe that's d standpoint on which a guy and a girl can be friends and it will last.

Like I said yesterday, I'll be d kind of friend God wants me to be for him. I'll obey God, won't send him away from me. I'll fight d attraction. m a fighter. I'll fight it so as to be who God wants me to be in my friend's life, that's d essence of friendship.

Strange... and funny, for a moment I thot I'd be embarassed and sad and u know... [I confess I was nervous when I was talking to him yesterday and I told him so - I know sey I get big mouth, dats me and I love me that way; 'better out than in' says Shrek]. I don't feel any of that. I'm so at peace... and m glad

yea m glad... i just made me a good friend. today during devotion the LORD said "as u open d door to new relationships..., I will overwhelm u with splendor" I look forward to being bathed in the splendor of my Living Loving Father!

My favourite word is still FRIENDS... I'll not throw away this friendship becos of a heart that can't be so smart attimes! No freaking way!

Head On...

Last night while I was reading, just before going to bed, i heard a statement in my spirit... "why run away? why not go @ this issue head on? talk to B about this and stop running, it won't solve anything and u know it!" I thot about it and it really did make sense. I mean, why do I keep running like that wen it comes to issues of my heart? i accept, m very selfish wen it comes to my heart, i can take risk wit anything but not my heart but for how long will i keep on like that? my Pastor [God bless him for me!] always says "a lunatic is someone who keeps doing the same thing while expecting a different result" m not a lunatic, or am i? i think in this regard i am... and m so not running anymore. so instead of pushin B out of my life m gonna talk to him about wat i feel. more like go@ it HEAD ON! but for real there's only going to be one of three answers:

1. no i don't wanna move on, i just wanna sort out my life here in Nigeria and join my family in Europe n try to make things work
2. yea i wanna move on but m not yet sure if i shld or shldnt and if i shld wit u
or
3. yea i wanna move on and i like u so lets give it a try

so whichever one it is m ready to accept, is there any other likely response m leaving out? its better i talk and get a response ASAP than to start keeping off and not taking calls and not replying txts [he sent me a txt yesterday and i didnt reply - unlike me, i even felt like someone else] and push him away like that. who knows, it might even now look like i was trying to force a response out of him instead of asking him for it. its pretense and its witchcraft too. i think its called manipulation. i'd rather go head on and ask than manipulate him into saying something.

something else happened this morning during my quiet time. i have this new Bible that's driving me crazy HOLY BIBLE _ WOMAN THOU ART LOOSED Edition by Bishop TD Jakes. He has these comments on every page and the comment on d page i was reading this morning says "God has d strangest way of restoring purpose to ur life. It's dangerous to keep sending people away. d very one ure trying to send away may be have d key to restoring purpose and fulfillment to ur life" wen i read it my thot went to the second guy i said goodbye to 2 days ago but i was a bit confused becos i didnt see how it could be, i mean this person didnt have any kind of respect for my integrity, was around me becos he needed me and i couldnt imagine how anything about him had to do wit my destiny and purpose but then i was ready to accept it cos m a very pliable spirit in God's Hands. if He said it was dat guy, i will readily call him and apologize - as long as m sure its God cos i love Him so much i'll do ANYTHING for Him. He loved me so much He gave His only Son for me and still keeps loving me amid my failures so why wouldnt i do just anything for Him. but while i was @ it i heard B's name in my spirit. more like 'don't push B away' i was shocked but my resolve became strengthened.

please hear... m not saying B and i are meant to stay together. very very far from it. being strongly attracted to him doesnt mean we must be together. m open to God. there might be something God wants to use me to do in his life or vice versa. my heart is involved, yea. but i wont run away and not do wat God wants me to do just becos of that. i'll risk a heartbreak to fulfill God's purpose in d life of a son He loves. for me, to please my God is paramount. priority. look, even if m in B's life just to help him make a decision to go back to his family m ready to do it. dats wat love does isnt it? wait o! m not talking about dat kind of love o! m not in love wit him [@ least not yet!] m talking about Agape love. it gives. and i love to give. m ready to be watever God wants me to be no matter the prize i'd have to pay to be it.

so m gonna call B and tell him i wanna see him. and m gonna tell him wats happening to me and wat i was about to do and why. he's d man. its his decision. i wont force it but i wont hide it either. m tru running. m ready to take a risk wit my heart now... let D LORD's will and purpose be done here...

dats all i want... all i need!

Goodbyes...

I said a lot of goodbyes yesterday... well, not a lot really but maybe just a couple. yea just a couple of goodbyes. I needed to say them... and i wanna tell myself d truth here. well, that's what this blog is all about, maybe i shld change the write up at the top to reflect that this is where i naked myself since i don't have a diary like my daughter does. i come here and i talk... about me. get naked. d good part is that its not posted openly for the world to see just like a newspaper article [which u'll see whether or not u wanna] but even tho dis is on d net, u'd have to stumble on it to read it. i kanna like dat. someone might stumble on it who identifies wit my struggles and weaknesses, they'l gather strength in knowing they're not alone in d struggle. and someone else stumbles on it who is strong where i'm weak, they'll offer their advice from experience and my life goes on... one thing about me is that i hate to lie to myself... what would i gain from that? why would i lie to myself? becos i dont lie to myself m able to go to GOD and say "look @ wat m going tru, i know You know but i just want to still tell u myself so You know i know and i need Your help here!"

i was saying earlier that i said some goodbyes yesterday... here... a couple of guys were hanging around me... i shld say i liked them. i was actually in love wit one but he wants something i can't give him. sex. not really that i can't, but i wont. cos i made a covenant with God that i wont let any unauthorized man worship in this temple [my body is the Temple of the Holy Spirit u know] and m determined to keep to the terms of that covenant. there's a lot at stake, there's a glory ahead of me that i cant afford to lose so i just cant compromise. so even tho i was so much in love wit him, i refused to agree to the terms of sexual involvement but he was still hanging around somehow and i still had his number in my fone so once in a whyl i'd call him and make a fool of myself. it was difficult, very difficult letting him go even tho i knew we couldnt be together. @ least not on his terms. so yesterday wit all these emotional stuff going on in my pretty little head, i decided to say goodbye once and for all. so i called and told him it was goodbye. that i was going to delete his number from my fone so he shldnt expect any calls from me again. the truth? this isnt the first time m deleting his number from my fone but u know wat? writing it in my blog is a step i've not taken before and m doing it as an extra mile thing in keeping to this decision. by d time i remember the world kanna knows, i'll not go back. but i know i wont anyway. it takes me time to make a decision, i could be indecisive but. once i make up my mind that's it. i only dilly-dally if m not yet sure of d decision to make but now... no going back. its only a change in his demands dat can make me open up to him again but dat will be a hard task too. [very funny, i tried to talk to d guy from yesterday's blog abt this issue, tho i left out the part about wat this guy wanted from me - just becos as @ d time we talked i wasnt sure wat he really wanted. u dont wanna know wat his response was]. i have to mention here; there's something with me and sexual involvements... i could go @ it for a period but in retrospect, my relationships that involve sex never last beyond 2 months! never. and i tried to check wat the reasons were, i discovered i had a way of pushing them off after a whyle. probably becos of the strong conviction that wat i was doing was wrong. i mean, i carry the Presence of God. i am an embodiment of the glory of God and the LORD cannot live in the same place wit the spirit of immorality. so repeatedly, somewhere along d line i find it difficult to keep up and i either push him off or i simply walk. and wen i walk i walk, i dont look back. i am not going on like dat so i made a decision to keep myself for my husband. m done experimenting wit men. m done giving wat belongs to my husband to other men. i believe he's somewhere praying for God to keep me and protect me and bless me and then i'll be here messing up wat is his?? i had to put an end to that and i have.
so that was one goodbye...

d second one was to a guy dat claimed to love me but had no respect for my integrity [or his own as d case may be]. i can't begin to go into details here... initially i thot i shldnt push him away from me cos it appeared like i was judging him based on my past experiences. but he was quite immature. immature is d word. he's younger than me, not that i mind, he didnt seem to mind wen he found out but he was always referring to d age thing as an issue. there were a few other issues too, pertaining to his person but i dont think i'd like to say that here just so as to keep his respect intact but those things seriously threatened my respect for him but then m not one to be moved by the size of a man's pocket [that's d closest u'll get to wat m talking about] so it wasnt an issue to me. but how he went about it was wat presented an issue. so i tried to talk to him but he was more concerned wit unnecessary stuff and since i was determined to keep my body and image intact, i wasnt ready to stay wit someone who didnt care about that. if i dont respect myself no one will. so i stopped communicating with him for over a week and yesterday i called to say "please just forget about me, we wont work. m too stubborn for u, u cant handle me..." and those were true. for many reasons, he couldnt. one of them being that he keeps bringing up "i know ure older than me and..." i cant take that. i wanna be wit someone who [assuming he's younger than me] doesnt have to remind me of a tilt in our ages... someone who will make me feel like he was older even tho the reverse was the case... someone who'll make me feel like a baby, his baby... not his big sis. no way!

so 2 goodbyes yesterday... d first one wasnt easy but i had to do it. second was a piece of cake...

guess i still have one more goodbye to say but d question is, do i really wanna say goodbye to B? i believe i shld first of all find out exactly wat his plans for d future are but as it stands now, m not gonna do that o! dont know how i can, really. but still i dont think m gonna be able to say an outright goodbye to B. but then as long as i can keep dat glorious face out of my mind's eye, i think i'll survive it and hopefully, he'll catch d drift and move on [if he wants to] but wat if he doesnt?? 4get it Synthia! but then really, wat if he doesnt Synthia, wat will u do????

4get it, he wont. i might be living in denial but let it be...

@ least for now...

Just friends???

I was just in church for Worship Night and in d course of worship I saw something that took my breathe away... d most glorious face I've ever seen in my life... and he was worshipping God! I was supposed to be worshipping too but on seeing dat face I couldnt continue anymore [@ least not in d same frequency] cos I kept drifting off to steal a glance @ dat glorious face [LORD forgive me!]. Lemme try to describe wat I saw... he had this hard look, u know d look of a HARD, TOUGH guy but it was so full of passion for GOD! I think it was the passion on that hard face that got to me... haven't seen anything like it before. I can't tell what made me look cos during worship m normally just carried away, really can't tell but it wasn't the first time I was seeing a guy worshipping, @ least I watch worship DVDs but I've never seen such a glorious face worshipping...
I don't remember ever seeing d guy in church before that night and being me I decided I'll make friends with this guy. [I mentioned in one of my earlier posts that I made a decision never to pass up a chance to make friends]. But u can't believe it, it took me over 10 months to summon up courage to walk up and make friends with him. why???

I'll tell u...

Walking up to a guy to make friends with him hadnt been an issue to me for a long time till I realised it might appear like I was being forward [ordinarily I won't mind. I just do what I want to do and whoever can think watever about it!] but then I suddenly found myself conscious of how this guy will see my coming up to make friends. I thot of lines to use. The most appropriate line being "did anyone ever tell u dat u looked glorious when u worship?" I really wanted to use that line but boy! did I find it difficult to say!! A million times I'll pass by him in church, coming in or going out or just by chance but I simply could not bring myself to say anything. Then I just didnt see him in church anymore... and I felt b-a-d! I'd missed d chance of making friends just becos I lacked d courage... Synthia this is unlike u. This isnt the Synthia I know. I couldn't help beating myself up for this tho I just can't really tell why that friendship was so important to me... U know I really had to ask myself

* what exactly do u want from this guy?

to this I answered "I just want to be friends with him. Just friends. nothing else. cos m not looking for a man. my man is looking for me. I just want to be friends with him. dats all!" and I meant it. I often said to myself "dis guy could be married [even tho I don't see a woman by his side but who knows?], he could be engaged, he could be dating, or anything so Synthia just focus on being friends. for real, I just want to be friends"

Then sometime in March I saw him in church... I was so excited and before I could stop myself I went to him and was like "hey! where have u been? did u travel or something?!" [as if we were old friends from way back]. u needed to see the look of confusion on his glorious face - it was there for just a split second but I didnt miss it. I couldn't. M always captivated by that face! Well, he said "yes" and I moved on. Still couldnt say it. after that Sunday I saw him just one other Sunday and he disappeared again. And I said "Lord, if he appears once again amma gonna say something no matter how stupid its gonna sound I'll say it" mind u, I didnt even know d guy's name even up to this point! So I investigated, I asked questions until I got his name [while he was still away] and armed with his name now, I waited, just in case he decided to re-appear.

And he did! So I went up to him and was like "hey welcome back [I added his name this time]!" he looked surprised again but recognised d face so I stood and we jisted a bit. no not a bit, I'll give it to him, he's a good talker. we talked for quite sometime but I refused to volunteer any info like my name and phone number and how I knew his name... won't give out dat info if he didnt ask so I kept them to myself and we jisted general church and office jist till I had to run back into church for 2nd Service. Next Sunday Pastor GH said May babies shld stand and my new friend stood. isn't dat cool... so after service I traced him outside and was like "so wat's d date?" he looked blank and I said "ur birthday! wat date is it?" I also went "didn't u notice I've been stalking u?" he said he hadn't noticed but I knew he was just trying to be modest or something. well he gave me d date and it happened to be just 5 days away. I asked for his number so I cud call and wish him a happy birthday that day and he then asked for mine. and got it. and we became friends.

Remember, all I wanted to do was become friends with him. One day he visited my office and we got talking... I found out he was married, with kids [and some kanna complications in it] but I didnt get disappointed becos I had already conditioned my mind to any of this being the case... I also told him about my kids and d divorce and just d overall info. So I was cool with the friendship. Another day we were just hanging out and we kanna got into our personal stuff, I got to know more about his life, past, present and all that... He got to know my personal stuff too and @ last I got to tell him why I was stalking him [as a matter of fact, the reason for all these came before we got into our personal stuffs] he sort of got tripped by my comment about his glorious face. no he got tripped real good, I could see it written all over him... then d personal jists came... cool still. I don't know but somehow it sounded like he wanted to start a new life here in Nigeria. But then I told Synthia to quit imagining any other thing and focus... Just friends... dis guy is married... so no matter what's happening to his personal life now, don't try to fix urself inside it... even if u try, he's not likely to think of u in any other way but as his friend. so lose it girl.

So whats the issue now?

The issue is that inspite of all the psyching of myself that all I wanted was friendship, we kept getting closer. I thot that maybe if I told him some of my very personal stuff like ask questions about my relationships, jist him about some of my escapades and ask his advice it would help keep my mind on 'strictly friendship'... but did it? wish I could say it did...

Synthia is getting attracted to this guy!!! I can't let that happen... I can't afford to! I didn't want this to happen. I should have seen this coming... but could I really have??? isn't it possible for a guy and a girl to be just friends??? dat was all I set out to be! don't even start asking me if d guy is attracted to me too... cos I don't want to answer that... I couldnt have come this far if there wasnt some encouragement from there... I mean, wen we talk on fone it's like we can't stop. wen we're face to face [which wasn't often tho] we never lack for what to talk about... and he's so easy to talk to...

Well... I'm obviously going where I don't think I should go so... I need to retrace my steps. It's going to be very difficult cos I can't seem to stop thinking about him. But I have to stop, one way or another. but then how??? I really thot I could separate my heart from this friendship but as it stands now I didn't think aright. I need help. I need to stop this attraction from building. but can I? really? Should I stop calling him? I can do that, it will be difficult @ first but I can do it. But then if I stop calling him am I gonna stop him from calling me? maybe I shldnt sound very friendly anymore wen he calls... but when he asks why I stopped calling or why m sounding cold wat will be my explanation? that m attracted to him??? oh Synthia, way to go! u try u hear? u blew this one! u could ave just left it at the level of 'just friends', did u have to let ur heart get involved??? humph!

Way Forward

I'm thinking "wat's the way forward?" I'm in a job where I am caged, boss won't let me leave the office for a single minute, I have to account for a single step out of my office area; boss is always going on and on about how disloyal I am, when Heaven bears me witness that I am the most loyal staff he has here; a lot of thing sare going on im my life and I dont think I can add job dissatisfaction to it. I love my profession. I love it. But I'm beginning to get frustrated with who m practising this with. I want to be me. I want to be free to do what I do best. But to be constantly faced with statements of how "it looks like the job is too much for you" is getting out of hand. There's never been a complaint about how I carry out my duties. Heaven knows I am efficient. And I know it. I always put my best in whatever I do. I've been doing that here. But I wont continue to be the best for someone who refuses to see the best in me. No.

I think its time I take a step forward in faith. Trust The Good Lord to provide for me. I have no trust in no human but in God. He's my Sustenance, my Provider, my Preserver, my Everything. This ground is no more condusive for me. Guess I should walk.

LORD, please tell me... What the WAY FORWARD?!