Goodbyes...

I said a lot of goodbyes yesterday... well, not a lot really but maybe just a couple. yea just a couple of goodbyes. I needed to say them... and i wanna tell myself d truth here. well, that's what this blog is all about, maybe i shld change the write up at the top to reflect that this is where i naked myself since i don't have a diary like my daughter does. i come here and i talk... about me. get naked. d good part is that its not posted openly for the world to see just like a newspaper article [which u'll see whether or not u wanna] but even tho dis is on d net, u'd have to stumble on it to read it. i kanna like dat. someone might stumble on it who identifies wit my struggles and weaknesses, they'l gather strength in knowing they're not alone in d struggle. and someone else stumbles on it who is strong where i'm weak, they'll offer their advice from experience and my life goes on... one thing about me is that i hate to lie to myself... what would i gain from that? why would i lie to myself? becos i dont lie to myself m able to go to GOD and say "look @ wat m going tru, i know You know but i just want to still tell u myself so You know i know and i need Your help here!"

i was saying earlier that i said some goodbyes yesterday... here... a couple of guys were hanging around me... i shld say i liked them. i was actually in love wit one but he wants something i can't give him. sex. not really that i can't, but i wont. cos i made a covenant with God that i wont let any unauthorized man worship in this temple [my body is the Temple of the Holy Spirit u know] and m determined to keep to the terms of that covenant. there's a lot at stake, there's a glory ahead of me that i cant afford to lose so i just cant compromise. so even tho i was so much in love wit him, i refused to agree to the terms of sexual involvement but he was still hanging around somehow and i still had his number in my fone so once in a whyl i'd call him and make a fool of myself. it was difficult, very difficult letting him go even tho i knew we couldnt be together. @ least not on his terms. so yesterday wit all these emotional stuff going on in my pretty little head, i decided to say goodbye once and for all. so i called and told him it was goodbye. that i was going to delete his number from my fone so he shldnt expect any calls from me again. the truth? this isnt the first time m deleting his number from my fone but u know wat? writing it in my blog is a step i've not taken before and m doing it as an extra mile thing in keeping to this decision. by d time i remember the world kanna knows, i'll not go back. but i know i wont anyway. it takes me time to make a decision, i could be indecisive but. once i make up my mind that's it. i only dilly-dally if m not yet sure of d decision to make but now... no going back. its only a change in his demands dat can make me open up to him again but dat will be a hard task too. [very funny, i tried to talk to d guy from yesterday's blog abt this issue, tho i left out the part about wat this guy wanted from me - just becos as @ d time we talked i wasnt sure wat he really wanted. u dont wanna know wat his response was]. i have to mention here; there's something with me and sexual involvements... i could go @ it for a period but in retrospect, my relationships that involve sex never last beyond 2 months! never. and i tried to check wat the reasons were, i discovered i had a way of pushing them off after a whyle. probably becos of the strong conviction that wat i was doing was wrong. i mean, i carry the Presence of God. i am an embodiment of the glory of God and the LORD cannot live in the same place wit the spirit of immorality. so repeatedly, somewhere along d line i find it difficult to keep up and i either push him off or i simply walk. and wen i walk i walk, i dont look back. i am not going on like dat so i made a decision to keep myself for my husband. m done experimenting wit men. m done giving wat belongs to my husband to other men. i believe he's somewhere praying for God to keep me and protect me and bless me and then i'll be here messing up wat is his?? i had to put an end to that and i have.
so that was one goodbye...

d second one was to a guy dat claimed to love me but had no respect for my integrity [or his own as d case may be]. i can't begin to go into details here... initially i thot i shldnt push him away from me cos it appeared like i was judging him based on my past experiences. but he was quite immature. immature is d word. he's younger than me, not that i mind, he didnt seem to mind wen he found out but he was always referring to d age thing as an issue. there were a few other issues too, pertaining to his person but i dont think i'd like to say that here just so as to keep his respect intact but those things seriously threatened my respect for him but then m not one to be moved by the size of a man's pocket [that's d closest u'll get to wat m talking about] so it wasnt an issue to me. but how he went about it was wat presented an issue. so i tried to talk to him but he was more concerned wit unnecessary stuff and since i was determined to keep my body and image intact, i wasnt ready to stay wit someone who didnt care about that. if i dont respect myself no one will. so i stopped communicating with him for over a week and yesterday i called to say "please just forget about me, we wont work. m too stubborn for u, u cant handle me..." and those were true. for many reasons, he couldnt. one of them being that he keeps bringing up "i know ure older than me and..." i cant take that. i wanna be wit someone who [assuming he's younger than me] doesnt have to remind me of a tilt in our ages... someone who will make me feel like he was older even tho the reverse was the case... someone who'll make me feel like a baby, his baby... not his big sis. no way!

so 2 goodbyes yesterday... d first one wasnt easy but i had to do it. second was a piece of cake...

guess i still have one more goodbye to say but d question is, do i really wanna say goodbye to B? i believe i shld first of all find out exactly wat his plans for d future are but as it stands now, m not gonna do that o! dont know how i can, really. but still i dont think m gonna be able to say an outright goodbye to B. but then as long as i can keep dat glorious face out of my mind's eye, i think i'll survive it and hopefully, he'll catch d drift and move on [if he wants to] but wat if he doesnt?? 4get it Synthia! but then really, wat if he doesnt Synthia, wat will u do????

4get it, he wont. i might be living in denial but let it be...

@ least for now...