Head On...

Last night while I was reading, just before going to bed, i heard a statement in my spirit... "why run away? why not go @ this issue head on? talk to B about this and stop running, it won't solve anything and u know it!" I thot about it and it really did make sense. I mean, why do I keep running like that wen it comes to issues of my heart? i accept, m very selfish wen it comes to my heart, i can take risk wit anything but not my heart but for how long will i keep on like that? my Pastor [God bless him for me!] always says "a lunatic is someone who keeps doing the same thing while expecting a different result" m not a lunatic, or am i? i think in this regard i am... and m so not running anymore. so instead of pushin B out of my life m gonna talk to him about wat i feel. more like go@ it HEAD ON! but for real there's only going to be one of three answers:

1. no i don't wanna move on, i just wanna sort out my life here in Nigeria and join my family in Europe n try to make things work
2. yea i wanna move on but m not yet sure if i shld or shldnt and if i shld wit u
or
3. yea i wanna move on and i like u so lets give it a try

so whichever one it is m ready to accept, is there any other likely response m leaving out? its better i talk and get a response ASAP than to start keeping off and not taking calls and not replying txts [he sent me a txt yesterday and i didnt reply - unlike me, i even felt like someone else] and push him away like that. who knows, it might even now look like i was trying to force a response out of him instead of asking him for it. its pretense and its witchcraft too. i think its called manipulation. i'd rather go head on and ask than manipulate him into saying something.

something else happened this morning during my quiet time. i have this new Bible that's driving me crazy HOLY BIBLE _ WOMAN THOU ART LOOSED Edition by Bishop TD Jakes. He has these comments on every page and the comment on d page i was reading this morning says "God has d strangest way of restoring purpose to ur life. It's dangerous to keep sending people away. d very one ure trying to send away may be have d key to restoring purpose and fulfillment to ur life" wen i read it my thot went to the second guy i said goodbye to 2 days ago but i was a bit confused becos i didnt see how it could be, i mean this person didnt have any kind of respect for my integrity, was around me becos he needed me and i couldnt imagine how anything about him had to do wit my destiny and purpose but then i was ready to accept it cos m a very pliable spirit in God's Hands. if He said it was dat guy, i will readily call him and apologize - as long as m sure its God cos i love Him so much i'll do ANYTHING for Him. He loved me so much He gave His only Son for me and still keeps loving me amid my failures so why wouldnt i do just anything for Him. but while i was @ it i heard B's name in my spirit. more like 'don't push B away' i was shocked but my resolve became strengthened.

please hear... m not saying B and i are meant to stay together. very very far from it. being strongly attracted to him doesnt mean we must be together. m open to God. there might be something God wants to use me to do in his life or vice versa. my heart is involved, yea. but i wont run away and not do wat God wants me to do just becos of that. i'll risk a heartbreak to fulfill God's purpose in d life of a son He loves. for me, to please my God is paramount. priority. look, even if m in B's life just to help him make a decision to go back to his family m ready to do it. dats wat love does isnt it? wait o! m not talking about dat kind of love o! m not in love wit him [@ least not yet!] m talking about Agape love. it gives. and i love to give. m ready to be watever God wants me to be no matter the prize i'd have to pay to be it.

so m gonna call B and tell him i wanna see him. and m gonna tell him wats happening to me and wat i was about to do and why. he's d man. its his decision. i wont force it but i wont hide it either. m tru running. m ready to take a risk wit my heart now... let D LORD's will and purpose be done here...

dats all i want... all i need!